I remember reading this one a while back, and I don't have too much to add. Again, I really like the voice here and it does a lot to pull me in. I got tripped up a few times by all the sentences beginning with "And/But" and I wonder if an out-loud read through might help smooth things out.
I love your description of the dog and the way you paint out the landscape for me. Though this line was a bit awkward, "Not only was the dog the same color as July grass on the Colorado plains, but he was shorter than the grass would be then, too." You're simultaneously describing him as like the grass, but not like the grass. An easy fix.
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I won't repeat what Ali said, because that would take a lot of time and writing. Just 'ditto' for a lot of her points.
Now, the question I have here, is what kind of effect are you going for? What am I supposed to be feeling after this? I'm asking because I'm not sure I'm feeling it (there I go, getting all New-Agey). Yeah, the man's old. Yep, the dog's funny. But where am I supposed to go with it? Does that make sense? This feels more like the beginning to a short story than a whole one in and of itself. I want to know what happens when he goes to the school house. Does he go strollin with the gal? Maybe if I knew what you were wanting the story to accomplish, I could have something more concrete to say.
I have more detailed notes (like Ali's awkward sentence), but does your computer allow any attachments?
Attachments and my computer don't get along well at all. Please send it in the body of the email, that way I'll get it for sure. (Like I said, I love this story, and I want to make something good out of it.)
Well, the trick is the comments highlight that I use doesn't translate well to e-mail. Lemme see what I can finagle.
Mishell,
I'm also going to ditto some of Ali's suggestions. Some of the sentences were a little awkward and I think that may be the result of trying to say to much in one go. I like the use of vernacular (right word?) speech and I think simplier sentences would complement that and make your ideas more clear.
On a big picture level, I loved your story! It brought a little tear to me eye :) What was most poignant to me was at the end when we get more of Fred's point of view and how he could be a good dog again and how the old man would soon be experiencing that reclamation of dignity.
I think what was happening was that the dog was there to help the man cross over, is that accurate? It seems like that maybe didn't come through clearly? I love that it's subtle, but maybe there's a way to make that clearer without (on the flip side) hitting the reader over the head.
My other big picture thing is that as a stand-alone piece, I think it is a little too quiet. Adding some sweeping dramatic scene would ovbiously ruin it, but maybe this story would work well in a series or set of similar vignettes. Maybe one about Fred first, or other episodes of the man's life, or other episodes only thematically related but with different characters.
I believe that this story has a lot of potential. I hope this is helpful for your revisions!
Mishell,
I love the rhythm that's invoked in your prose, particularly by the repetition of certain phrasings or ideas, as in “They made him laugh. This dog made the old man laugh.” There’s a certain Hemingway-esque quality to it that I find poetic and lovely.
They, whoever the hell they are, always say POV shifts are dangerous territory, but the little one at the end didn't really bother me. Perhaps because the dog's conflict illuminates the old man's rather than distracting from it. And I like what Lydia said about the dog as a spiritual toll way to the Styx (the river, not the band). After reading her comment, that much become clearer to me in a way that it hadn’t beforehand. Very nice and subtle.
In terms of the old man, I would have liked a greater sense of his conflict and a bigger emotional payoff at the end. Maybe a closer third POV? Or, really, some sort of concrete angle to the conflict in addition to the reverie over lost life, missed experiences, etc. I thought the dog losing control of his bowels scratched the most deeply at the heart of the story. The squirmy, awful point of aging that reduces one to infancy, almost. Can dog pee be heartbreaking? I think you've managed to find a way!
I guess I'm leaning toward fleshing out the conflict with something more concrete (like the pee) so that we'll know what it really means for the man to walk off at the end. Just a light dusting of shame/scorn/sadness rooted in the physical. Thanks for sharing! It’s great to read your work again!
Actually, Lydia, you hit the nail on the head (to use an over-used expression.) This a crossing over story. I was afraid it was too subtle, but I'm really not sure how to make it less so without overdoing it.
I've toyed with the idea of adding more of the dog, as well as having the old man's pains subside once he makes his decision to move on, but I'm afraid I'll ruin the balance between the two characters. I've even thought that maybe this was actually the dog's story, rather than the old man's. (Is this story about the guide or the guided.) As I've already said, I tend to lean towards the guide, but the old man feels important, too. I don't want to lose that importance by only focusing on the dog.
Oh well. I guess I'll get there one day. Thank you all for checking it out for me.
I think the real problem here are the last two paragraphs. I knew what you were going for, but instead of being something that happens, you leave us with only a hint of where you are going.
With the dog, you clearly give us a sense of change. This dog was once old, couldn't control his bladder. Now the dog is young again. I need more of a sense of that change from the old man. Maybe have him move towards the path. Have his aches and other age related troubles begin to ease. It doesn't have to be anything too big or overt, but I really want more than just a dog smiling at him.
What you have is a sweet, very simple story and I don't think we need to make it more than that. Just a simple sense of movement, for me, will clarify and wrap up the conflict. Again, just make him move towards the path and describe the subtle effects of this decision on the old man. I think that may be enough.
My only other issue was with the title. Does the old man suddenly decide to name the dog Fred or does he suddenly recognize the dog, like maybe this was a dog from his childhood that he hadn't thought about in a really long time and only at that point of decision does he remember him. Either way is fine, but I do need a decision and clarification within the story.
I like the idea that the dog is linked to him (not just a random dog). Then, that moment of recognition could be really powerful and also fitting for the overall story. It would also make the title much more relevant for me. Yeah, do that ;)
You guys are so awesome. I have a lot to think about for this story now, so I guess I better get to work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Hey Mishell,
Sorry I haven't commented until now. So, I loved all the small little surprising moments in the story--I've read that, especially with short pieces, subverting readers' expectations is an effective way of amping up a story's conflict. I think this really comes through well in many small ways--for example, the dog's bark. You write: " The yellow dog began to bark. Big, strong ones. Not the kind you'd expect from a dog that wouldn't be able to see over the grass in three month."
Still, I think I'm with Amanda in wanting a greater sense of conflict. Margie Mae might be a good place to start. I think you're doing something really cool with Margie Mae and this weiner dog--that is, the old man regrets not having asked Margie on a stroll in the past, and, by the end, he's somehow moving toward redeeming this lost opportunity by taking the dog on a walk--a nice parallel--but I'd still like to know just a touch more about Margie Mae. Why has she stuck in his memory for so long?
Why does his lost opportunity with her--out of all moments in his life--seem so significant?
Also, perhaps even taking the story a bit further would be interesting. By deciding to take this dog for a walk, the old man may be putting himself in a certain physical danger. You write: "The dull throb in his hip was becoming less dull. In fact, it was darn near screaming at him to go home and take his pills. But the old man thought that maybe now was not the time to go home." It would raise an interesting sort of ironic (if that's the right word?) tension if this old man is choosing to ease his emotional pain--missed opportunity with Margie Mae--at the expense of his physical well-being. You know?
Thanks for this story! I really enjoyed reading it.
Oops--just reread Lydia's post about "crossing over." That clarifies some things. Still, I think it might be worthwhile to take the story a little further--maybe another scene or two?
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