Since Joe was brave enough to send out the first piece (yay!), I guess I'll kick off the converstion.
I think I'll start big and then go smaller. I loved how there is so much going on in such a small space (page/word count wise). The smallest details reveal quirks about the narrator that usually take a while to unfold: his decision to stop at target reveals that he's impulsive as well as accepting coffee then thinking about the consequences after. I think the characterization was great.
In such a short story, it's hard to incorporate all of the usual plot elements (and I don't necessarily think you should try to cram everything in) so I think there has to be something dramatic to make up for that (not really "make up for" but I can't think of how else to word it). The images seem to fulfill that role: the silver hair on the pillow, the red & white flowers, the crow & the can, etc. I think that could be played up a little more. Make those unique and quite lovely images more powerful, maybe more overtly symbollic? I don't know if that's the route you want to go though, but something to think about.
Now here is the detail stuff. I was confused at the beginning in the transition from Target to hospital; I thought a nurse was cutting flowers at Target. That made me miss that the flowers were impulse, but not necessarily visiting the sister.
Again, thank you Joe for volunteering!
~Lydia
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8 comments:
Yes, thank you Joe.
I read and reread your story a couple of times. The part that struck me the most is the inner dialogue debating what to do with the coffee. You capture a wonderful sense of indecision with this character.
I wasn't confused by the transition from Target to the hospital, but I'd clarify that the hopital visit wasn't impromtu as well. Maybe just say something like, "On the way to the hospital...", although that might be too clunky.
I would clarify the dialogue tags. It wasn't really a problem, but a simple dash preceding dialogue would just feel neater to me.
Cut the third to last line about the nurse only poking her head in. I think the dialogue there is enough and somehow the explanation of what she is doing threw me out of the momement.
I think you have a good scene (which is all a flash piece really is, right?). But, the total effect doesn't quite work for me. Something about visiting his step-sister and his own uncertain/impulsive nature is tied to accepting the coffee from this nurse. But you both title and end the piece with "Thank you." There is an emotion or thought attached to that last thank you that isn't coming through for me. Maybe if you tied the indecision that you pull out with the coffee monologue directly to the relationship between him and his step-sister.
Lydia made a good point about extending some of the images, but I think they need to be focused on drawing out the central effect. Or, he could interact with his step-sister (something that doesn't really happen here). Maybe an incomplete touch that he pulls back at the last moment or something like that.
For me, flash is all about a single, unified effect or idea focused on a brief moment in time. You almost have that here.
Again, thanks for jumping into the fire.
Oh, and as an aside to everone: I know most of you, but not all. Just to have a clearer picture of who's out there, it'd be nice if people would update their profiles. Only tell us what you want to. I just updated mine. Couldn't really ask others to do it without doint my own. Thanks.
Thanks, guys. Great stuff!
This story is right up my alley. I call them snapshots. There seems to be no movement, but actually there's a lot.
I think you pull off the kind of imagery required for this type of piece really well, but I have to agree with Shane that it's not quite there yet. It all comes down to the thank you. Right now, it's not clear what the character is saying thank you about. I'm not saying it needs to be spelled out for the reader, but there needs to be a few more clues. I think you could get away with about three double spaced pages in this story and still keep the snapshot feeling. Use those pages to let us know what "thank you" really means. (I'm sure it doesn't refer to just the offer of refreshments. Like Shane, I think it has to do with the sister and indecision.)
You are a brave man to put this out for people you've never met before. I like you already.
Joe, brave Joe!
Let me preface this by saying that I think flash fiction is one of the hardest genres to write in because the general reaction is often: Huh?
I think that you have a good story and my main comment is that you titled the story "Thank You." Well, that means that some element of gratefulness needs to come in and I didn't find a piece to latch onto. Does that make sense? The coffee is the only place, and coffee--when put against the stepsister's difficulty--seems odd. I don't see the parallel that you are really close to setting up.
Normally, the advice that would come across in such a case would be: More! Gimme more! However, I think what I need is less of "more quantity" and more of "more focus". The bits about the nurse (like the hair on her lip) seem thrown in, instead of placed for a purpose...and everything in a flash piece needs to be there for a reason.
Consider going back through and seeing what your main dude is grateful/not grateful for and asking if everything (and I mean *everything*) is relevant to that simple "Thank You." Then revise accordingly.
Hey all--
Thanks so much for the comments so far. I do have a couple of questions, mostly about the "microfiction" form, but I'm not sure if I should hold off for the end or ask them--well, now. How do you all see the role of the workshopee as fuctioning in these e-discussions? Active or non-existent or somewhere in-between?
Indeed you are a brave guy, Joe!
I do agree with what everyone else has said, especially concerning the imagery (Lydia, you are an incredibly sharp fiction reader, despite what you may say), but I kept wondering: what's at stake for the crow? (Ha-ha).
Perhaps in flash fiction, there is less room for leniency in detail. Whereas in a novel, you can fuck around a lot more than you can in a short story, you have even less room to do so in this form, I'd imagine. So, as Shane said, what's the emotional resonance tied to the details and to the repetition of "thank you"?
For me, it stems from the protagonist's overall uncomfortableness with the situation. As he's sitting on the radiator, he is--literally--in the hot seat, and something must be done. But what the consequences of action or nonaction (is that a word?) might be, I'm not quite sure. I missed a few of those Joe-esque details that really pack a punch in this one. I mean, you do tight and bright better than pretty much anyone. So, maybe a way to tie those wonderful images together a bit more neatly (though, as Mishell pointed out, not too neatly) is to return to the "s word," and to hint at what's lost or missed in his overwhelming--albeit false--sense of gratitude. What does he think the nurse expects from him that he can't quite seem to produce?
By the way, did you write this for a specific magazine or contest? Just curious, as you generally write longer pieces.
Yes, Amanda, I did write this piece as a prototype for NOON Annual--good call--yeah, I usually write stuff that's much lengthier, but I'm really interested in the flash fiction form. Magazines like Quick Fiction and NOON have sparked my interest. I'm trying to figure out how to write a story under 500 words.
Joe,
I was thouroughly impressed with this story. I think that it is great that in less than 250 words you have spawned such a vibrant discussion.
Microfiction when it is done right, can expose the most intimate intracaces of a man's life in an episode of him getting or not getting cofee.
I pretty well agree with much that has already been said. I did want to comment or question the other readers about the significance of it being a step-sister. Does it have the effect of making the character more or less sympathetic?
One thing that to me it seemed clear is that he had a very placating nature, but his inability to be present in the moment--not thinking about the effects of the cofee, then overthinking it; not being able to be present with his comatose step-sister, instead focusing on the crow out the window--really seemed to give this piece legs.
I also wanted to ask about the hope of the nurse, and whether or not it affected the meaning of the protagonists thanks.
I look forward to reading more from you.
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